Teaser

Tomorrow.

Around this time.

Jen will be back.

But she won't post until Wednesday, I guess.
All you Jet-set people know how much of a drag
the West-East-Jetlag is!

We need the Hardcore!!!!

I decided to break the dark mood that has engulfed this Blog with the illness of Jen's sister.
And what better to break a mood than the Euro-Trash-Genius of SCOOTER?

Well, I tell you what's better.

Scooter feat. KYLIE!

update

Sorry, The shit has hit the fan out here. too much goign on to be even the slightest bit creative. I"ll be back next week.

To Update this is a glimpse to my visa bill:

08/24/2005 08/22/2005 CHESHIRE CAT CLINIC
08/17/2005 08/15/2005 PET FOOD EXPRESS #3021
08/15/2005 08/13/2005 USA PETROLEUM
08/14/2005 08/12/2005 PATRICIA JOHN VELASQUEZ
08/11/2005 08/10/2005 PLEASANT HLL BAYSHRE DISP
08/11/2005 08/08/2005 NINE WEST
08/10/2005 08/08/2005 USA PETROLEUM
08/10/2005 08/08/2005 EMBASSY SUITES
08/10/2005 08/08/2005 BUENA VISTA CAFE
08/09/2005 08/08/2005 INTERNATIONAL SPY SHOP
08/09/2005 08/06/2005 SCOTT'S SEAFOOD GRILL


Here is the story.

I had a seafood platter at Scott's, a dozen Irish coffees at The Buena Vista Cafe and the Herb 'n Cheese omlette at Bette's. I can't tell you what i got at the Spy Store or I'd have to kill you.

The shoe store was stressful as i had to stay within my budget. And i finally lost my midwest aka german hair cut at the john Velaquez salon. I look fabu, if i do say so myself.

I also ordered two 20 foot dumptsers to give you an idea of the amount of cleaning i did. I earned my keep, that's for sure. the first few days, i stayed in a hotel as i was to share my sofa with the resident rat.

There is also a charge for an emergency vet visit. My new kitten got stuck in on a sticky rat trap. Only in california do they charge you 52.50 to give a 6 week old kitten a brazilian wax. I even provided the wax! Yes, i got a kitten in the U.S. I know there are kittens in Deutschland, but not as cute and i rescued this little guy.

Add Miranda's surgery and subsequent ovarian cancer diagnosis and you have a vacation from hell. Miranda is not going to college this year. Instead she signed up for some hard core chemotherapy. And she will most definately lose all of her glorious hair. Small price to pay if we can keep her around. the next three years will tell.

So all of that said, I'm tired, strung out and smelly. Tomorrow I host a girl-only party for Mim's friends before everyone else leaves for their first year of school. I will be drinking. A lot.

The Dangerous Life of a Beaver

This is Jeff. I’m guest blogging today. So my little sister is in the hospital. The surgery involved cutting through her abdominal muscles. This is a bad thing, a very bad thing, especially for our family, especially for my little sister because the strongest way for my two sisters and me to communicate is to make jokes and play off of each others jokes, which requires stomach muscles for laughing.

So on the way room 301 in the pediatric area of the hospital, Jennifer (older sister) and I (middle brother) are giving each other a pep talk.

“We can NOT make her laugh” explains Jen. “It’s all about the safety valve”

Jen goes on to explain that an attempt to not laugh at all is hopeless, the more you try the more pressure will build up and ultimately will fail. Now if you let out a little giggle or sigh here and there then you are releasing laughter pressure and avoiding a laughter blow out.

“Safety valve. Got it. Then no looking at me with those faces or I’ll lose it” I forcefully tell my sister.

Ten minutes, two close calls, and about 15 tears later, we found that without jokes and poking fun, we have nothing to talk about.

“Wow, that is a nice picture of those gazelles,” I attempt to fill the void with.
“That zebra follows you wherever you go,” my sister notices. We talked about anything and everything could think of that didn’t involve humor. Jen then goes on to tell us about her boring trip to zoo. “Here is an interesting fact, do you know what’s the leading cause of death for beavers?” queries my sister.

Waiting for a dull response, Miranda and I both respond “what?” Jen then waits a second and explains “Falling trees”.

In an attempt to not laugh until I cried, I throw my face into my hands and let out a snort that sounds like a passed a lung through my left nostril. After regaining some sort of composure, I heard Jen faintly laughing. Now when I say faintly laughing, it only because she has been laughing so hard that she had no more breath and could only let out a light laughter with reaming air in her lungs, but her face was bright red and eyes teary. When we finally recovered, we looked over to see our baby sister crying from pain, and her white knuckles are hitting the morphine button as hard and fast.

After that Jen and I weren’t allowed to visit her at the same time unless we promised to behave. And even today all we have to do is mention “beavers” to get a rise out of Miranda.

From Jen:

Mim is out of the hospital and settled on the sofa. She did have malignant cancerous tumors, but they have all been removed. The prognosis is good. We’re still on schedule to deliver her to her dorm room in a week. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Cancer seems to be the black sheep of our family. Our mother, my father, my cat and now my sister. It sounds a bit odd, but we’re old hands at this stuff. The waiting on Mim hand and foot is more of the issue.

So, in happier news, I hit two shoe stores with enormous success. The jaunt to Sephora also yielded great rewards. Sparky is a bit worried. When he called to check in today and I was gone, he was rather concerned. Miranda wanted to tell him I was shopping for more shoes, but was too drugged to make a good joke.

Pictures tomorrow.

Victim of Humor

Okay, Sparky was a little out of it last night. And I have been totally busy out here.

I got in on Wednesday night to the news that my 18 yr old sister was to have surgery today to remove a very large tumor involving her ovary. Things are a little messy right now. She came through the surgury just fine, and her prognosis is good. We find out biopsy results in a few days.

During this time, one would think that negativity and sadness would be a problem. Its not. Its our laughter that seems to cause the most pain.

Jeff and I went to visit her tonight. It was a very painful experience. It was painful because we could not stop laughing and Mirnada cannot laugh. The incision across her gut makes any sort of stomach clentching or movement torturous. Jeff and I were killing ourselves not to make jokes that would hurt our sister's literally busted gut. Jokes were flying around the room unspoken from the two for one surgery special since they removed her apendix along with the tumor etc... Then the choice of wall art in the hallway to flowers to leggings they put on Mim to prevent blood clots. The longer we looked at our little sister in the hospital bed, looking so pale and drugged, the more jokes came to mind. Jeff and I were afraid to make eye contact lest a joke be understood via sibling telepathy. Jeff and I sat there, staring around the room, desperately trying to make humorless conversation. We failed.

Every single thing we brought up had about 100 different punchlines.

Our downfall came when talking about animals in the zoo. I brought up a fun fact about beavers; The leading cause of death among beavers is falling trees. The moment this was out of my mouth, I knew we were in trouble. It was just a fun fact. Had Jeff and I not been holding in mountains of laughter and punchlines, it wouldn't have ended so tragically, but we were and it did.

Jeff succumbed to the giggle loop first. He just lost it. He set me off and I set Miranda off. Miranda hit the morphine button like she was Whitney Houston. Jeff and I had to leave. We actually had to leave because we could not control ourselves and we were really causing Miranda pain.

For those who have seen "coupling", you will recognize the giggle loop. My poor sister is cursed with wise cracking siblings who simply have nothing to say to someone who cannot laugh. We failed her.

So, before we go for our visit tomorrow, we will have to read up on humorless news and stories.

I think I will start with the one about the girl who had stitches after a long surgery and her siblings couldn't stop laughing because if they did, the tears would not stop and they would drown the world.

Germans are always in the way

Have you ever noticed how standard posts on average, uninspired Blogs seem to repeat content like "The other night I went to a party, drank a lot, got into a fight, went home…" or "Yesterday, I went to a party with my friend, got trashed, had a fight, then went home…" or maybe even my favorite "Tonight I went to a party, had a lot of vodka shots, got into a fight with some bitch, and then hobbled home…".

This pattern is especially prevalent with Blogs written by American twenty-something cubicle slaves of the female variety. How this relates to “Germans always being in the way”, you ask?

Simple:
Tonight, I went to a party at my best friends new house, drank a lot (of water) and wanted to eat even more (delicious meat). Then I got into a fight with some bland, yet rude German girls who blocked the way to the buffet and prattled incessantly, while failing to actually scoop some meat and then get the hell out of my way. I don’t tolerate people preventing me from eating very easily. So I smashed their heads together, peed in their faces, got thrown out of the house and was beaten up by my best friend, before I crawled home.

Wait, forget that last sentence. That only happened in my head.

I did however, scare the girls away from the buffet by telling several versions of the "Aristocrats Joke" I heard Penn Jillette defend. Wait, that also happened only in my head. In reality, I read about that joke on the Good Wife’s Blog earlier today and then decided to use it to gross out the poor girls who blocked my buffet. The weapon in question is a dirty joke that exists in a couple of hundred varieties by now. The point of it is to add your own that is even more disgusting than the one before. First read the latest iterations, then try your own luck by submitting yours here.

Thank you, Good Wife. You enabled me to eat meat tonight. Problem is, now I want to throw it up, feed it to a dog, grill and eat him, thrown him up again and feed him to my naked sister. Or something like that.

Regular readers and just-arrived smut fiends: I present Kylie's ass(*Guest Posting by Sparky*)

Did Jen ever tell you guys that I'm a numbers whore?

As somebody far more left-brained than my beloved, creative, Wicca-prone spouse, I need the certainty of scientific measurement to feel good about any endeavor I partake in. Or that my wife partakes in, for that matter. Consequently, I always check Heisse Scheisse's traffic statistics and devise all kinds of devious plots to increase the number of readers.

Why I do that? Simple: As many people as possible should be exposed to Heisse Scheisse. After all, this Blog is, when at its best, the funniest shit since Terry Gilliam asked “Anyone for Tennis?” in that Monty Python’s Flying Circus skit where every guest of a happy summer party loses their arms and legs in an odd chain reaction of blood and gore. Well, maybe the one with Mrs. Nigger-Baiter and the exploding penguin on the TV set was even better. But I digress.

The real reason why I want to drive traffic to Heisse Scheisse is, of course, that I want to be able to brag about my wife . "She's a shrewish and persuade person..." sounds a lot better as soon as I can add "...and she's got the funniest and most-read Blog in Darmstadt".

After reading yesterday's comments and promising Haddock to show a couple of Screenshots from the Ultimate Kylie DVD, I got an inspiration: Why not try to drive the numbers up a bit while I'm at it? The subject of “Ultimate Kylie CD screenshots” certainly lends itself to such lofty goals.

So here we go with the Kylie pictures, first batch from the “Spinning around” video. I restrict this to fifteen pictures for now, so you lechers who have come here from search engines and viral marketing (see below) will have more to look forward to during the next two weeks. Unless Jen comes back screaming and kicks me off her Blog.

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

Starting with a gift to our friends, the feet fetishists with a foot fetish… eh… feet fetish.

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Apples in motion. Wish you guys could see the moving pictures.

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

If there is Air Guitar, is there also Air Bike? Also, check out the guy who has just noticed the camera.

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (1)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (2)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (3)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (4)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (5)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (6)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (7)

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

A frame-by-frame-study of proper back-arching (8)

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Hot Pants, worn properly (1)

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Hot Pants, worn properly (2)

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Fellow athletes, consider the subtle arch of the quadriceps shown here!

Click picture to enlarge OR right-click picture and select 'Save Target As' to DOWNLOAD.

Subtle arches in many other places, too…

Let’s add a few keywords that have more or less nothing to do with the above pictures, but are certainly practical to get some good Google-Referrers: Kylie Minogue ass. Kylie Minogue butt. Kylie Minogue bum. Kylie Minogue legs. Kylie screenshots. Ultimate Kylie DVD grabs. Kylie upskirt. Kylie no panties. Kylie Hot pants. Kylie pussy. Kylie gangbang sex. Kylie forbidden porn. Kylie hi-res images. Kylie high resolution. Kylie nude. Kylie naked. Kylie spinning around pictures. Free Kylie picture download. Free Kylie pictures. Freeones.

So, in closing, fellow smut fiends... now that I have gotten you onto this site, I hope many of you are multifaceted enough to stay and appreciate the humor in the other articles. Admittedly, it is not as good as Kylie's ass, but then again, what else on this planet is? Babies, I hear? A mother’s love maybe? Sunrise over San Francisco Bay? Nahhh…

Also, since I am a Viral Marketer by trade, feel free to download the pictures and post them on your own websites, topical forums or anywhere else you like. It’s part of the scheme. I believe that this should be perfectly legal under the fair use act, since this Blog hawks nothing that is sold for profit. However, if we hereby HAVE violated any copyrights, please, offended party, send us a friendly Email and we will, to the utter disappointment of all our salivating new readers, remove any offending material from Heisse Scheisse. Of course, a letter from Ms. Minogue herself would be much preferred, even if she just wants to express anger over having her cute butt shamelessly exploited to drive up the traffic of a relatively obscure Blog. I’m sure I can appease her with my special talents and wining charms.

Did my wife ever tell you guys that I’m a narcissist with rather overblown self-esteem ;)?

Also, Ms. Minogues marketers should have no reason to complain. The material presented here will substantially increase the sales of her DVD (which you can order here). After all, we have around 50 regular readers, most of them women :).

BTW: Look forward, constant readers, to my report on how much this little stunt drove up visitor numbers. First results should be in by Monday, and my guess is that traffic will at least quadruple.

Stay tuned, return early, return often!

Tell her what she has won, Bob!

I'm off to Cali in moments. I put together a little post to let you all know what my dear straw window of a husband will do while I'm gone. After weeks of asking, he finally spilled the beans...

He said he wanted nine hookers and a ton of cocaine. He said he thought it'd be cool if he could do some blow while, you know, doing some blow. Being the good wife that I am, I told him I thought it was a great idea, make it so. Sparky's Advenutures thus began.

He planned ahead and ordered some cocaine. Unfortunately, it was confiscated at the border.



He'll have to make do with Scientology Protein Powder. Sparky works hard at being glib.



He'll need those manly muscles to sway the Slim Lady away from Olivier. He had his people call her people.



Unfortunately, Kylie is busy and not at all interested. She's catholic, you know. Scientology isn't really her thing. He tried to get Paris Hilton, thinking he could star in her next homemade porn. He'd already titled it in his head "That's Hottt!!!".

Sadly, her pimp said she was busy blowing Nick Lachey. Sparky has always wanted to be Nick Lachey.



As beggars can't be choosers, he'll end up with Germany's version of Jersey girls. Jersey girls take it to the next level.



As all men know, the same nine girls get boring after a while. Men need variety. And Sparky is nothing if not a Man's Man. He'll end up playing those games that men play when wives are away...



Eventually, he'll get bored with that too. I'm mean, really, I'll be gone for 3 weeks. In that time, I expect he'll return to his first love. The seductive mistress who was always there for him as a teenager when girls, alas, were not.



Throughout it all the fun and excitement, the protien powder and hookers, through the gay gangbangs and RPG's, Sparky has a task, a difficult task, that will have to be kept up with while I'm away. What is that, you ask? Why...


It's scooping the poop! This is where the real fun begins. Have fun darling man.

Back to business: My brother will be posting once in a while to give you a different perspective on our family. I’ll update sporadically. Mostly pictures of, you know, Tiffany’s and Nordstroms and the Hello Kitty store. It’s the only way I can keep Markus updated as to where all our money is going without all the screaming.

Au Revoir, les chatons! Or rather Tschüss, mein Schätze.

STF ISO SM, any race, all parts intact, for LTR or fling, no neuters, please.

Cleo has taken over my laptop for the day. And she means business. I hate to add another Cleo picture, but I just got up for a minute and when I came back, she had the help menu up. No joke. When I tried to move her she gave me some serious attitude.

I think she was hitting alt.com for some "companionship".

With this vacation, I'm not sure who I'm going to miss more, Cleo or Markus. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but if a murderer came into the house and gave me the choice to save "your husband or the cat", I'd have to think about it. Okay, I might hesitate, but of course I would make the right decision.

Markus has life insurance.

A Jenny is the Female Member of the Ass Family

I'm frantically racing around preparing for my trip. I feel like I should bring home exotic spices and fine fabrics like they used to when traveling abroad, but I live in Germany. There are no exotic spices here and we have acrylic fiber in the States. My carry-on is filled with bottles of alcohol. Man, if the plane goes down, I'll be gulping Montebello.

Its funny. When I first scheduled this trip I was so excited, I could hardly wait. Now with the plane ride just two days away, I'’m dreading it. Why? Because Mexican food always has a price.

I'’m staying at the family compound and the current list of occupants includes Step dad, 2 brothers, 1 sister, a standard poodle (her diminished mental capacity directly correlates to her energy level), two squawking birds, an errant feral rat, miscellaneous insects and flying fauna and a partridge in a pear tree.

All four of us kids will be there, as adults, in our childhood home, minus the housekeeper and the mom. It'’s a mess.

The house is in a state of flux. My step-dad is moving closer to work and my sister is going to college. My brothers were going to move into the spacious five-bedroom house with a huge yard and swimming pool at the end of Aug. They would keep the house together so we could still have holidays and my sister could have a place to come home to during summers etc... Extenuating circumstances moved my brothers home a month ago, 2 months before schedule which has left the poor house jammed to the gills.

Jeff has most of his stuff and my left over stuff in the backyard under a tarp. He calls it his "Mound of Disappointment"”. There is literally no space in the house to put a single box. I have no idea where David has his stuff. Mim has never lifted a finger for household chores in her life.

The timing of this trip was based on the idea that I would help clean up/clean out the house, organize my sister for college and see her off in NY. And I really could not go very much longer without decent eye make-up remover. A brand I can only get in the states.

I'’m sleeping on the sofa. I knew this as all the rooms are taken. I was just informed that room the comfy sofa is in, is sometimes occupied at night by the errant rat.

This trip can be really fun or it can be closer to the IX circle of hell. And that is exactly what I am willing to do for a burrito.