Acrylic Pains, Rhinestone Thrills

I have a question. Why do people wear acrylic fibers? Yes, yes, I know all the “benefits”, but really, why wear it? It doesn’t breathe and it holds odor like Floridians hold MP3 players on Black Friday.

Sitting in my class today, my mind wandered from the plusquamperfect lesson to the merits of acrylic.

She wore an ugly smelly sweater. Before she bathed, she had had put on an ugly smelly sweater.

Are natural fibers too much to ask? Why do people choose acrylic over natural fibers? Am I being too much of a snob? On the pro side, acrylic sweaters are warm and durable. They do not stain easily. They are inexpensive. On the con side, acrylic sweaters tend to be unreasonably ugly, they tend to pill and they exhale stink.

Acrylic should only be worn by those responsible enough. It’s a weapon of mass destruction and if one MUST wear it, one must wear it wisely.

Therefore, I propose yet another Deutsch Amt, the AcrylAmt. This government office is subsidized by heavy taxes paid by the manufacturers of acrylic garments and to a lesser extent the manufacturers of the actual fiber.

If you want to purchase such a garment you must take a test, swear to follow the rules and regulations of appropriate garment wearing and carry your license while wearing.

Violation of rules results in immediate suspension of right to wear and offending garment will be burned. (Screw the ozone layer.)

Here are the rules:

1. Garment cannot be worn more often than one bathes.
2. Garment can only be worn on the day of said bath/shower.
3. Garment may not be worn to a class, theater of any kind, restaurant or any place where large groups of people are likely to be.
4. Deodorant/anti-perspirant must be worn when wearing garment. (and not that rock thing. Salt rocks or any brand with “natural” in the tag line DOES NOT qualify as deodorant. If you’re going to break out with the man made fiber, you’re gonna have to break out with the Mitchum)
5. Any garment with rhinestones, sparkles, sequins or other “festive” decoration will be immediately removed and burned. Said garments fall under the Geneva Conventions' Violations of Human Rights.

As with everything Deutsch, there are a few exceptions in which case one may wear acrylic without following the above. These are specific situations and must be registered with the Amt before wearing. There is a phone number one can call and leave a message in case of an emergency.

Exceptions:

1. Children below the stink age.
2. Your name is Leslie Hall
3. You want to dump a casual, but annoying date that simply does not get the hint and calls and calls and calls, and hangs up when the machine picks up but you know it’s them.
4. “The Day After Tomorrow” becomes reality and the temperature drops 1°F per second and if you do not wear said garment you will die.
5. Any natural disaster that might result in someone having to identify your body and/or to prevent animals from making off with your remains.

Seriously, this chickadee in my class is really sweet and rather quiet, but she’s been wearing the same damn sweater for over a week. Today I walked in to the tiny little classroom, packed with warm bodies and an ambitious radiator, and was assaulted by her body odor. I’m sure she doesn’t personally smell that bad. It’s the damn sweater and she never takes it off. Acrylic amplifies odor exponentially. She must be so hot in that room, all bundled up. In fact, I know she’s too warm because she’s sweating and stinking up the joint.

So, if everyone just follows the rules, we’ll all be happy.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Oonlee Natural