High Crimes and Misdemeanors

Let me preface this post. Germans are wonderful people. This country has brought about wonderful music, deep thinkers and fascinating literature. Not to mention my husband. It has not, however, brought a decent sense fashion to its countrymen.

I figured it was part of the settlement after WW2. To make amends for the horrors, the German people will forever have to wear shoes the color of putty with suntan hose, wear neon long after the rest of the world determined that color spectrum a health hazard and to carry the weight of their communal guilt on their bodies in the form of accessories.

Case in point. We’ll call this woman Anya. Anya is a total stranger my girlfriend, Von Tauber, and I spotted while sipping our drinks over dinner on Thursday night. We probably would have not even noticed her if not for her affected continental air kisses.

Anya is a victim of the more is less principle. Please note the following: Patent leather headband plus scrunchy to hold lacquered hair back. Black polka dot neck scarf, knotted on the side, gold bracelet plus watch and black, square chunk heel with tan hose. The large faux Chanel quilt bag with matching Chanel sunglasses completed the outfit. We know about the faux part because we totally eavesdropped on her conversation while talking about her.

So to this I say, lets save the Deutscher. Let’s call a world summit over the appropriate use of “fashion accessories”. Let’s limit the number allowed per household, per person and per occurrence. Germans love rules and regulations therefore by making fashion laws, we can help the wayward Deutscher by conforming to their need of structure.

Anya is a pretty girl with a great figure. It would a crime to allow other young women of this country to fall to Anya’s Fate.

Now, pardon me while I go repair my glass house.

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Anya is a flight attendant